Resume Woes

It is 1:28 Saturday morning. There is no way I should be sitting at this computer instead of lying in my bed asleep.
Got a minute? If so, I'll tell you why I'm up.
See, Ryan has a mostly great job with a mostly great company doing mostly awesome computer nerd stuff he mostly loves to do. He's had this job for 3 years, and he mostly wants to keep it. The thing is, every year there is a time of reorganizing, shuffling, cutting back, etc. . . . You know how it goes, right? So, his group has always felt reasonably safe because they were right in the middle of a large project. Now, though, they are coming to the end of their project right at the time of year when it all goes down, and noone has that warm, fuzzy feeling about the future.
Now, we're not in a panic. Don't get ahead of me and assume that job loss is iminent. We are just aware, now more than most other times, that jobs can come and go, but families and bills stick around.
So, we're looking. But do you know what you need if you're going to look? A resume.
Yep, everyone who wants to talk to you first wants to see that official document that tells them what you could tell them in a simple conversation. It's maddening, but it's the way it is. Afterall, most of the time, you don't talk first. You send your resume and hope someone will want to talk to you, so it really can't suck. But, really, writing it is no fun.
Last time we changed jobs (We say we because I don't get paid for what I do, and, to be honest, I slept my way to the top around here. So, Ryan's job is OUR job, ya know?)), we went through a hundred resume options and landed on the simplest one. Then we'd let recruiters rework them as they saw fit. Mostly it was Ryan's profile on Dice.com that got him noticed, and the resume was sort of a formality we didn't worry that much about. I think the job market is a little different this time around, so the lazy approach might not work out for us again. So, now it's time to get serious and put this thing together, and I am wondering how wrong it would be to make it look a little like this:

Computer Nerd Extraordinaire

Mad computing skilz include but not limited to:

• fixing whatever crap your last hack of a programmer screwed up
• working inappropriate emoticons only real nerds would recognize subtly into my code
• writing code so complex you'll be afraid noone but me will be able to maintain it, making me unfirable

Experience with:

• intimidating others with my vast array of technical knowledge
• tolerating large doses of caffeine without a major tweak out
• telling geek jokes only 13% of my coworkers understand

Willing to:

• pretend others are as smart as me so they won't feel bad
• work ridiculous hours, especially in the weeks immediately leading up to my review
• work for less than I'm worth

Yeah, so I'm thinking about paying a resume writer to do it for me. Did I mention I do all of Ryan's writing? Normally fine, except I don't understand geek speak. Wish us luck!