Language Barrier

I have a four year old. He used to be 3, and I was really looking forward to his turning 4 because it would mean the end of the "terrible twos." See, I think the "twos" are really 2 years, not the year a child is actually two. Anyway, my four year old has been a four year old for about a month, and he's still 3. Do you know what I mean? I hope you don't. I hope it's just my kids and that yours are perfect angels.
But, here's the deal. My 4 year old is making me nuts. I will be calling area preschools in the morning to see if I can get one to take him, but since I'm pretty sure there isn't a boarding option, we're going to have to just work on some things at home.
First up, language.We've got a bit of an issue here.
I say, "Good Morning, Peter." Peter hears, "I'm ready to spend my day catering to your every whim!"

Peter says, "Mom, can I have a sip of your drink?" I hear, "I've already had a sip of your drink, and you either didn't see me or pretended not to notice. Yeah, I know you do that stuff. But this is about to get serious. I'm going to lick, swish, and breathe into your cup/bottle/can and hand it back to you. Are you ready for this?"

I say, "Don't play with that. It could break," Peter hears, "Go play with that in another room until it breaks, and then be sure to look really sad when you come tell me it's broken and you're not sure how."

Peter says, "Mom, I'm not tired. I don't need a nap!" I hear, "I'll be impossible to please until 5:45. That's when I'll fall asleep, but don't get excited. I'll get up at 7, and you'll be my playmate until at least 11. Got anything fun planned for tonight?"

I say, "You can't have more milk until you eat some breakfast." Peter hears, "Scream, whine, and throw a fit until someone decides to give you some #*&@%! milk."

Peter says, "I'm sorry, Mommy. I will be good the rest of the day." I hear, "We have to spend the rest of the day together anyway. Let's just move on already, but keep your eyes opened!"

I say, "Peter, you can sit beside me, but not on me." Peter hears, "Okay, you know the drill. Start beside. Scoot closer. Really close. So close you might as well be on me. Then toss a leg over my knee and scoot yourself slyly up there. Smile at me, and you'll probably get away with it. Stay like that until I get distracted. Wiggle yourself to the middle of my lap. I may protest, but try the smiling thing again if you need to. Come on, you're not new to this. Once you work your way to the middle, you're home free. Recline, roll around, force me to cushion your neck with my elbow, bounce, cough in my face, fart a little. Personal space is something grownups talk about, but you are exempt."

Peter says, "Ow!" I hear, "I got hurt/upset/confused because I took something from someone/messed with the dog when she was eating/did exactly what you told me not to do, and now you should fix it!"

I say, "Peter! Don't drink out of the dog's bowl. She eats poop and licks her butt!" Peter hears Charlie Brown's teacher and thinks, "Mommy, you're cute, but you really shouldn't talk so much." 

 "Terrible Threes" doesn't have the same ring to it, but I'm voting for a change. I feel duped!