Did you know that in order to be a successful mother, you need to be able to replicate yourself? I, however, am not that successful. So, today when I have to be in two places at once, with 2 different kids, I won't be able to do it. It will (already does) feel like playing favorites, and I will feel rotten (already do).
Did you know that other mothers keep secrets from you? Yeah, every time some new tragedy occurs in the realm of parenting, another mother (or five) will inevitably tell me it's happened to her (or her kid/kids) before, she (and/or her kid/kids) got through it fine, and it probably happens to a lot of people. So, as a Mom, you waste a lot of time and energy pressing your freak out button unnecessarily. Then again, if you knew about some of these things before they happened, you (or your kid/kids) would probably run away from home. So, maybe it's better that way.
Did you know that, as a mom, you'll be the bad guy 96% of the time, just by default, because you're there? So your kids will love their father more than they do you just because he's smart enough to keep his distance. I don't know how that's fair to begin with, but add to it that his guilt over working their childhood away will compel him to spoil them when he is home, and you just can't win.
Did you know that your Mommy stress will often cause you to make an arse of yourself in public (mostly at your children's school and Target), thus rendering bad and incomplete first impressions of you all over the place, and compounding your social awkwardness? The upshot of that, though, is that all the other (honest) mothers who've done it before (or wished they had the guts to) will love you. So, a blessing and a curse, I suppose. . . .
Did you know that once you begin having children your husband will forget how a telephone works? I think we've covered this one before. Don't say I didn't tell you.
Did you know that when you become a Mother, your body will change shapes in ways that can never be undone. So, lose all the weight you want, but you'll never see the old you again. Sayonara, waist! Hello, gravity (and some other stuff)!
Did you know that you lose many of your former abilities when you are a mother? Yep. Those include, but are not limited to:
- being on time
- packing light
- avoiding others' fecal matter
- going to the bathroom alone
- completing one thought at a time (or at all)
And someone else's butt needs my attention.
1 comment:
I am smiling from ear to ear and loving this. So very true. Where exactly is that little book of secrets noone ever gets to read before we dive headfirst into this beautiful mommy madness!? The losing abilities list was priceless.
Post a Comment