Simple Rules to Live By

Life should be simple, right? I mean, family and friends and fun and just a tad of doing stuff you have to do now and then is what I'm thinking.

Just a few minutes ago I got a phone call, and it made me crazy. And, you know, my simple life philosophy doesn't have enough room for that type of crazy. So I started thinking I need to have some ground rules for dealing with other people. It's a work in progress (as in making it up as I type), so bear with me, but I'm going to share with you a list of rules I will now try to live by. You know, just to keep it simple in the face of stupid/crazy/complicated.

1. If you are a person who makes me crazier than I need to be, don't ever call me.
2. If you usually have trouble making sense to other people, don't talk to me without polishing your act first.
3. If you had a conversation with me in your head rather than in reality, please don't assume I am aware of the outcome.
4. If you made a really dumb decision and need someone to help you clean up the mess, please understand that I may be happy to help you out, but it will be within reason.
5. If reason is not a part of your universe, forget my name and number.
6. If you should be on meds and are not taking them, call me a couple weeks after you get back on them.
7. If you generally can't stand to be with your own kids, then "No" is going to be the answer to whether I'd like to help you out with them.
8. If you have no respect for my time, I will not play with you.
9. If you call me to dig for information about someone else, you ain't getting it. I'm from Alabama, but I'm not stupid.
10. If you prove to me that you're a user, I reserve the right to tell everyone I know.
11. If you can't live without drama, you'll probably be okay without me.
12. If I've already heard the story you're telling me more than three times, I'm going to start faking static on the line. Even if it's in person.

So, yeah, that's what I've got for now.
And, I understand if you have to apply some of these rules to me. I really should be on meds!