It's so nice when you're pregnant and after you have a baby. Everyone wants to know if you're feeling okay, if you're recovering well, if you're adjusting well, whether you're sleeping much, and so on. Well, to answer all your questions, I'm feeling just fine, recovering well, learning to adjust, and sleeping just enough. I really don't do too badly after babies. Maybe I'm a little ahead of the curve in that I've just learned to have low expectations. In fact, just this morning I was thinking about how nice it is that I'm able to have so much variety in the bedroom this soon after the baby. I'm feeling generous today, so after a little thought, I thought I'd share with you my new-found Recipe for Post-Partum Romance:
1. Go to bed alone - husband back @ work for on-call duties and baby topped off for the night and sleeping in the cradle an arm's length away.
2. Wake up with baby in the wee hours of the morning for a feeding. Notice husband asleep on other side of bed. He obvioulsy made it back from work. Fall back asleep, this time with baby attached. (It's recently come to my attention that not everyone can do this, so you'll have to skip this step if you're less, um, endowed, I suppose. Keep in mind that being able to stretch it across the bed is not necessarily always a blessing, so don't be jealous.)
3. Wake back up with a wet feeling.
4. Change offending diaper, wrap baby in blanket (as you will feel too lazy to dress him), cover wet spot on your bed with yet another baby blanket (because let's just be honest - you're also too lazy for before-dawn laundry), and attempt to go back to sleep in separate beds.
5. Give up after it has become apparent the aforementioned (spoiled) baby will not go back to sleep without someone else's body heat accompanying him.
6. Snuggle up with baby, ignoring his farting and assuming it's just gas.
7. Once baby is settled, roll over and wonder what you just put your hand in.
8. Turn on the light to discover it was, of course, poop.
9. Explain what's going on to now-grumbling, formerly-sleeping husband.
10. Repeat step 4.
11. Repeat step 5.
12. Realize that your only hope for getting baby back to sleep is now going to be another round of milk. Assume the position, and doze ever so slightly off.
13. Wake up again to bodily expulsions from baby. This time it's spit-up, and it's inches from your face. Give up on that last hour of sleep since you've now been awake for over an hour and the baby seems to be content to stay that way.
Ah, well, maybe it's not romance in the typical sense, but give me some credit for trying. Hey, there was a bed, cuddling, boobs, a naked person (twice), my husband, and me. Now if we could just subtract the baby, pee, poop, diapers, and vomit, we'd be cooking with gas! Oh, wait, we had gas, too, didn't we?
4 comments:
Jess, you are hysterical. It's all so true but I could never say it as funny as you can.
Nice recipe, but I think I will skip out on the hand in poop. I get enough of that during the day hours. :)
Love it....that is so very funny!!
Oh, yes this is sounding very familiar. I love it. Especially that its happening at your house and not mine. Just kidding, most of that still happens here.
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